My ex was constantly angry, sometimes before anyone spoke to him! Being the person I am, I tried to understand, went to therapy myself, where I was told that the problem needed to come in. I battled that for nearly 10 years till I gave up, but would really like to have some answers to what baffled me for so long. Sometimes (not often) he would even apologize and say he did not know why he acted like that, but more times than not he was simply angry and if I didn’t know the reason, he certainly wasn’t going to tell me. It would even mean a lot if I could help him in some way, but I know that is a dream, so I will have to settle for someone who can tell me if this is more common than I realize.
I can only speak for myself, but I know I am battling the same thing and then some. Since my significant other stopped taking his anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago (he decided he has other financial priorities than prescriptions), it has been a nightmare. He has screamed, and I mean screamed at me on an almost daily basis – for a good 30 minutes or more. I honestly don’t know how he hasn’t lost his voice. The more I am starting to research this, the more it seems as though I am not alone – although that really doesn’t seem to make me feel much better. I love him with every bit of my soul – but the anger and verbal and emotional abuse that goes along with the anger is making me question everything. I feel completely helpless. I only hope it makes you feel better to know that you aren’t alone – that this appears to be very common!
My dad used to do the same thing. It eventually drove everyone away from him. He’d get furiously angry at the smallest things, like a cup sitting on the counter. ????
Growing up in this kind of environment wasn’t fun as a child. I, being the only male child in the family, took the physical beatings along with the screaming and yelling, over very trivial things. Seeing my mom take the verbal and emotional abuse was even worse. It would end up with him apologizing for his outburst, and saying he didn’t know why he got so angry, or why he acted the way he did. To this day, he still has no clue why he has a short fuse, and why he is so prone to anger.
I don’t know if it’s common or not. I guess it depends on the severity of the anger/depression. I’ve read through some articles, and for males, depression sometimes does come out in the form of anger. Honestly, I think rather than associating it completely with depression, it should be categorized on it’s own.
Anyways, if you haven’t already, might do some more research on anger=depression articles, and provide it to him when he’s in a not so angry mood. Hopefully, he won’t look at it like you’re pointing out a weakness/attacking him, and take it as a sign that you’re concerned for his well being. Being a guy, if provided with hard facts, it’s a little more difficult to argue a point. If he gets angry at that point, and turns it around on you, sorry to say, he’s going to have to figure out the anger thing on his own.
It does in fact, help to know that this is found in others. It is so true that he could blow up over NOTHING, but the big things were ok. It was an amazing paradox to watch. I too loved him with all my heart, I believe I always will, but I could not take the abuse- emotional and verbal – that was heaped on me, and as you say, over a cup on the counter, offering a cup of coffee, anything could set him off. I found myself thinking twice before saying nothing. I always thought he was one step away from hitting me, but he never did, tho I had friends who feared one day he would kill me. I am sorry you two also have to face this. In someone you love, it hurts so much more. THANKS!
I see that you received a couple of replies from loved ones of the ‘depressed’. Thought you might like to hear it from someone trying to deal with the depression. For me, it seems that my depression is expressed differently at different times, but let me assure you that anger is one on the ways it is often expressed. I’ve been struggling with this for a very long time, but early on I learned to get away from my loved ones when I felt it coming.
For me, it seems that the anger is the first stage I go through on my way to one of my bouts of very deep depression that may last for months. Rather than speaking in general about the stages that I experience, I will focus on the anger since that is what you are concerned about. I am not a bad or evil guy, but sometimes the anger is so uncontrollable that I honestly want to eat my truck! Your husband’s are being honest when they say that they don’t understand why the get that way because it seems that there is no rhyme or reason for me to feel that way at the time. But the anger is truly uncontrollable and if your spouses are like me, they hate it as much or more than you do. It has nothing to do with the ‘cup on the countertop’. That is not the cause. The anger was already there and the cup was just something that the anger could be directed towards at that moment.
There is so much more that I want to say about this but I’ll stop here and I sincerely hope it helps your question. If you want to discuss this further, please, just ask.
Keith, if you could expound on it, please tell as much as you can. I will always love my ex. He meant and means more to me than he will ever know and losing each other was about the worst, but I had to save myself from the abuse. I know there was no intended humor in your piece, but I thank you for lightening this with the comment about eating the truck!
There was no humor intended. That is indeed the best example I can give of the rage I sometimes feel and how out of control it can make a person feel. I posted my thread on the 8th. On the 9th, I had one of my worst bouts of anger ever that lasted the entire day and became so severe that it tripped off a migraine headache that night. I want to be careful here because I realize that everyone’s experience is a bit different, but I can open up and share my experiences and what I have learned.
My problems started about 18 years ago when I just turned 30. I was under a lot of stress and I began suffering from headaches. For the next 8-10 years, I was experiencing migraines EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I was in the hospital at least once a month because the pain was so unbearable. This of course led to clinical depression. For some strange reason that no one has been able to explain, my headaches were adversely affected by weather changes. My wife was the first to notice it because I would get incredibly irritable 24 hours before a weather front would move into our area. The anger was so bad that it would turn to rage. I’ve always been really concerned about my family and I would try to get away from them by locking myself in my office to stay away from them. The occasional fits of anger still persist to this day, but after all this time, I’ve become an expert at staying away from people when they’re on me. The only thing worse than the anger was the depression that always followed shortly afterward.
The real problem with all of this lies in how it affects the people around someone who is going through all of this. Even though I was not abusing my wife, she became angry that I wasn’t spending time with her, which in turn made me angry that she would not believe me when I told her that this was part of symptoms that I was experiencing. And even when the doctor finally concurred with me in her presence, she still often just became tired of having to deal with it all of the time and began spending a lot of time away with other “friends” (that’s another story). Hell, after a while, it becomes a self feeding monster in a vicious cycle. The depression destroys your life and relationships which gives your more to be depressed about.
I am sorry that you had to deal with abuse and I certainly don’t blame you for saving yourself. That has just never been a part of my nature although, as much as I hate arguing, nagging me during one of these times is likely to cause a yelling match. Jon, I don’t know you or your ex so I’m not sure what I can share that will help you. During those times, I really didn’t like my wife because she complained and nagged constantly about things I had no control over. (BTW, I am truly amazed at how poorly women take ‘NO’ to sex when it offerd. I guess you guys aren’t used to it.) I can tell you that my anger, initially had nothing to do with anyone around me. I was just uncontrollably angry in general and that seemed to cause other people to give me something to be angry about.
I am truly sorry about your separation. I hope your ex finds help. But since you can’t control that, make sure you do!
Keith I thank you so much. I see my ex in your post in some places. I never nagged him, quite the contrary, if he did not wish to talk, we did not. We did EVERYTHING his way, no matter what. We went where he wanted with the people he wanted (or not) ate at the restaurants he chose, talked when he wanted to, were silent went he did not. Even then, his abuse was incredible, being cold to me, with-holding affection (And/or sex) screaming when it suited him, the silent treatment (sometimes for days) when it suited him. The only moments of “clarity” I saw in him, was when he went on medication (Wellbutrim) for a few weeks, and he even looked at me and said “I have been a real p—k to you, haven’t I?” It was a real breath of fresh air, but when he went off the meds he was back in his horrid cycle again. I don’t know if you have explored the possiblity of meds, but it certainly made him a different, and happier, human, if only for that short moment in time. Thank you for sharing with me and I hope you can get whatever help will work for you! God bless!
PS- I have felt very guilty about getting out of that marriage, since I promised God I would stay with him in sickness and he is certainly sick, so I thank you for that comfort!
Actually, I don’t think that there is a pill left on this earth that I haven’t swallowed. My d is related to chronic pain. I own a small construction company and I have always been very athletic, that is, until all this began. I still get the headaches from time to time, but I now suffer from fibromyalgia (really bad) and osteoarthritis so my pain is daily. Actually, the pain meds that I take can add to depression, but without them, I can’t function or work. The hardest part has been accepting the fact that I am not going to get better. Once I got past that, I have been able to determine than I want to be as well as is possible so I fight like hell. As you probably know, depression makes you want to climb in your bed for the rest of your life and getting out seems impossible sometimes. But I have two daughters that I love with all my heart. One is in college and as soon as she graduates, the other daughter begins. I have often wondered if I could still fight this if it were not for them.
I have good days and bad days and although the bad far outweigh the good, I have learned how to put on a smile even when I would rather die. It took me years to realize that despite my condition, I do have a responsibility to those around me and how I make them feel. Of course, if I go into another deep episode, who knows what will happen. I put it all in God’s hands and trust Him. He knows your heart too and remember, God is not a dysfunctional parent who takes pleasure in child abuse. He feels your pain more greatly than you. Be thankful that you are well, I envy you. I am certain that there is great happiness in your future.